Almost 50 Ways To Stay in Love

(click on the pic to listen to it)

Back in 1982 Tony Toto, of Allentown, PA. survived at least 5 attempts on his life, all arranged for or carried out by his dear wife, Frances, & his wife’s lover.

Twice she arranged for assailants to beat him over the head with baseball bats. On one occasion she put a tripwire across the basement stairs in their house, hoping that he would trip over it & plummet to his death.

Twice she arranged for him to be shot. The first time she drugged his chicken soup so he would sleep soundly, & he was shot in the head, but miraculously survived. The 2nd time he was shot in the chest, but only sustained minor injuries. Now this is a picture of a real happy couple, isn’t it?

Even more miraculous than Tony’s survival was his attitude toward his wife once he found out she was responsible for all of this. Tony, a self – confessed lady’s man himself, said that he held his wife blameless.

When she was found guilty & sent to prison for arranging for his murder, he took their 4 children & visited her every week – every single week. Then when she was released from prison, she went back to their red brick home to resume her married life with Tony.

With his arm around her, Tony said, “We’re more in love now than ever before. I don’t understand why people break up over silly little things.”

This is a “do not try this in your relationship ” story. I wouldn’t recommend this method to keep a relationship together but it  worked for them.

There are a number of ways you can destroy a relationship. These next 8 ways of destroying a relationship come from real  marriage counseling sessions I have had over the years. These eight and any combination of these 8 can destroy a relationship quickly:

Make the relationship all about you

Never spend any time together or set time aside to spend together

Hold a grudge

If you are married, never have planned or spontaneous sex

If you are married with kids, build your life around your children instead of your spouse

Never allow the other person to be right

Always point out the other person’s faults

I mentioned in the last blog entry that it only takes 4 minutes to fall in love. It only takes seconds to destroy a relationship.

In Philippians 2:3-8, Jesus gives us a beautiful picture of what it takes to stay in love:

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

A number of years ago I counseled a couple. I met with each of them separately for a number of weeks. I would listen to each of their stories. Their stories were about what the other should do to change and told me to tell them …. .that never works. As I listened to their stories, they both were right and they both were wrong. Their focus was always on the other person’s faults and failures. Each one thought they were right. They both wanted it their way. She wasn’t coming back to him unless HE did this. And he was coming back to HER unless she did that. Needless to say,  they didn’t stay in love. I brought them together for one last-ditch effort. If I would have let her, she would have killed him in my office. They both were right and they both were wrong. But neither wanted to stop playing the blame game.  Both of them refused to give up their childish behavior. Neither one of them wanted to give up their selfishness. When that happens, the outcome is always relational failure.

When you are always pointing out the other persons faults and you are always using their failures against them both parties lose. Both of them were keeping score. It was like a competition of who could find the most failures in another person. Both them were self-centered thinking they weren’t. Both of them were trying to impress about how right they were and wrong the other person was. The bottom line (from my observation)  is they both refused to grow up.

If you want to stay in love don’t keep score.

In this passage (Phil. 2:3-8) Paul teaches us how to stay in love.

He says, “be humble, thinking of others better than yourselves.”

If you want to stay in love act like your spouse, the “important other”

is more important than you.

But what if they take advantage of me?  It didn’t seem to bother us in the dating and engagement stages. These are the stages where we are trying to win their heart. These are the stages where we not only want them to love us, we want them to like us. We go out of our way to make the other person special and feel special. To put it biblically, we think of them and pleasing them more than we think of pleasing ourselves. They could take advantage of you, but that’s not your problem. If God is speaking to you then you are the one who humbles themselves. They might not (humble themselves). As we learned last week love is verb not a feeling and it is a decision. Your spouse or your special someone is going to disappoint you some day. I tell a lot of young couples that is the greatest thing you can do for one another. I have never intentionally disappointed my wife. I don’t think anyone does it intentionally. It does happen. When you disappoint them you discover the depth of their love.

When you are valuing the other person more than yourself, you make decisions based on the understanding that they are more important than you. That’s hard …. especially when you think and you know you are right. The goal in any relationship (marriage, bf/gf, fiancé) is not to have to win the argument or be right but it’s about the willingness to lose an argument and do the right thing.
When you value the other person more than yourself you always chose to do the right thing.

If you want to stay in love, value the other person more than yourself even when they disappoint you.

How do you treat someone who has more value than you?  When I am talking about having more value than you I am not talking about them being better than you.  Look at the wedding. Who is the most valuable person of the wedding. Traditionally we stand when she walks in. A: The Bride. We show her respect because she is the center of attention. It is not about you. No one stands up when the pastor walks into the sanctuary. No one stands up when the bridesmaids or groomsmen walks in. No one even stands for the groom. On that day,  in the context of the wedding day,  the bride is the most valuable person in the room. She is not better than any one else.

So how do you treat someone who has more value than you?  You defer to them. You respect them. You let them be right.

Vs. 4 goes on to say – “don’t look out for your own interest but take an interest in their interest.”

If we are honest we are only interested in what we are interested in.

If you want to stay in love – you take an interest in what they are interested in. And do it with intentionality.

A lot of us might be thinking this is bit idealistic. “It can’t be done.” “They are nice words.” Paul understood that some would think this was unrealistic and impossible to live out.  The last blog entry we learned that we are to love one another as Jesus loved us.  In these next few verses Paul illustrates the way Jesus loved you and me. He says I want you to approach your relationship with the other person the same way Jesus approaches his relationship with you.

Vs. 6 says,  “Though he was God, he did not think equality with God as something to cling to.”

• He didn’t think he was more important than anybody else
• Never once did he pull rank with anyone.
• Never once did he use his godship.
• Never did he consider himself holier than anybody else.

If we apply to this our relationships, you are not more important than the person you are with. You might think you have more value because you bring the money into the house. You might think you have more value because you gave birth to children. You might think you have more value simply because, well, you think you are. But neither of you is more than the other. When we think we are more important we begin to play God in the relationship. But even Jesus didn’t play the role of God and he was God. 

But if you want to stay in love, one must THINK, not just of themselves and how important they are to the relationship. But THINK how important the other person is to the relationship.

To stay in love, we must THINK how important

the other person is to the relationship.

Paul continues to say this, “instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.” (some translations say he emptied himself).

First of all we must understand what it means to be full of yourself. In our culture when we say, “someone is full of themselves” What does that mean?  Usually it refers to a person whose only concern is how things turn out for themselves.

Jesus emptied himself. He willingly gave up his Godness. He made himself a servant.

If you want to stay in love, you must

willingly empty yourself.

Stop trying to be their God and take yourself off the pedestal and start becoming that person’ s servant. When you serve them you elevate them instead of yourself.

Paul continues in verse 8, “he willingly humbled himself.” Nobody did it for him. He made the decision to humble himself. He decided to put himself under everybody. He decided to submit himself. He decided to subordinate himself. Not only to God but to who else? He decided to do this for you and me.

If you want to stay in love

make a willful decision to humble yourself.

Jesus demonstrated this by, “humbling himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.”  Jesus willingly gave his life so that we might stay in love with his Father.

Jesus challenges us to die to ourselves. Are you willing to:

• Die to your childish behavior?
• Die to your desire to be right?
• Die to your selfish behaviors?

If you want to say in love …. it’s really not an option.