Too Christian? But everyone is longing for someone to love them in “sickness and health.”

Recently, Gary and Louise Lidington, from London, wanted to get married.
It was going to be a civil ceremony, but they wanted to use traditional language for their vows.
Just hours before the ceremony, they received an urgent call from the council registrars saying they couldn’t legally perform the ceremony for them because they legally couldn’t say some of those words.
Because they were TOO Christian.
So they asked, “which words?”
Well, he said, we can’t “in sickness and in health.” The was too “religious” for a civil ceremony.
So the couple rewrote the part.
Then he said that they couldn’t have the phrase “to have and to hold” . Again … TOO Christian. So they rewrote that.
And on and on it went until all the traditional vows they had written were eliminated.
They were so taken aback – this very secular couple – by being told that almost everything they really wanted in their marriage was Christian in nature, that even though they had elected not to have a Christian wedding. When it came to the time in the wedding where they had prepared speeches for each other, where they could say anything they wanted, they took the time to recite the original, Christian vows, because they realized that is what they really wanted to say.

Everyone is longing for someone to love them “in sickness and in health.”
Everyone is longing for someone to love them in a “to have and to hold” way.

That’s why we cried last week when we listened to what Fred wrote  for his wife in the last blog entry after she passed away. Even people who don’t have a relationship with Christ want that someone to love them in each of those ways (like the couple in London).

The trouble is ….. we are not capable to love someone “in sickness and health” . We are not capable to love someone in a “to have to and to hold” way. We all fall short ….. we all hurt our spouses ….. we all SAY things we wish we could take back ….. we all DO things we wish we could take back.  Our intention is never to hurt our spouse or the one we love ….. it just happens. We say the wrong thing we do the wrong thing ….. and well once it is said and done …. It can’t be taken back.  The reason we do these things is because by nature we are selfish. By nature we like to have things our way. By nature we like to cast the blame for our sinfulness and sinful behaviors on the person we just made vow to love them in sickness and health.

We are to love them in an unselfish way …. but we don’t naturally do that. As I mentioned in the last blog entry, for years I was taught and even in marriage counseling I was taught that Jesus needed to be at the center of my life and marriage. I was brought up in a Christian home and learned a lot of Bible stories, memorized a lot of scripture, attended every Sunday school class I could go to.  I attended church. I never missed a Sunday morning or Sunday night. Never missed a Wednesday night. I listened to my marriage counselor.

I totally agree that Jesus needs be to at the center of every marriage. The reality is in most cases is He’s not and when He is not …. even when we are raised in a Christian home, even though we might have memorized a ton of scripture, even though we listened to our marriage counselor …… there is still no guarantees you understand what it means to love someone the way they deserved to be loved.

Listen to this interview that I did with one of the ladies in our church who kept Christ at the center of her life even when she was going through a difficult marriage. She said some things that need to be heard before you get married. (click here to listen to this 7 minute interview).

Christ followers have had trouble staying married even during the time when the scriptures were being written. In fact it was such big deal that Paul wrote this to the church people in Ephesus in Ephesians chapter 5:21-33.
Ephesians 5:21-33 (NLT):

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.
31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This passage of scripture points out the deepest kind of relationship a man and woman can have.

I have to admit when I first met saw my wife-to-be from a distance I wasn’t attracted to her because of her mind and how smart she was – I discovered that later. There was a physical attraction. When I got to know her I realized not only was she beautiful – she was smart! Our relationship grew as we talked and learned about one another. It went from a physical attraction to an intellectual attraction. I’m not quite sure what she saw in me because I wore an orange painters hat, ragged blue jean shorts, a muscle shirt, and red socks and sandals (I wore often). It must had been my intelligence  :).

Then we started to connect emotionally. We enjoyed each others company and there was a chemistry between us. We got along well. I looked forward to being with her and she looked forward to being with me. When you get to this level in a relationship – this is where most people stop. Because if you are connecting emotionally then …. well ….. you marry them.

The scripture in Ephesians 5 tells us there is another level – a much deeper level. The stuff we don’t do naturally. The stuff we don’t practice enough. But, if practiced, this person truly becomes your soul mate.

Your soul is the  spiritual level of a relationship. It is the deepest part of who you are and what you are offering to your spouse. Taking care of your soul is the greatest thing you can do for your spouse or your girl/boyfriend/or fiancé. To put in other terms, the greatest thing you can do for those that you love is work on your relationship with Christ, understand how much God loves you, and go love the other in the same way.

Work on submitting yourself to Christ then as your relationship with Christ goes so goes all your other relationships. Especially the important ones.

I believe this is where a lot of marriages fail – even the good ones. We say we want Christ at the center of our marriage but He first must be at the center of your life. For me, this is obvious as the nail in the head.

As we grow in that relationship with Christ we learn that we are called to fulfill certain roles. Ephesians 5 defines those roles. Women libbers hate it. Politically correct people don’t like it and our current culture completely rejects it and calls it old fashion.

As you read this passage, the one word we hate and gets the most attention in this passage is what? ………. Submit. If you just read the first couple of verses it seems like it is just targeting women for submission. Which for women,  and in this age of gender equality,  this is a blatant slap in the face. It seems to tear away at a woman’s sense of equality. It could easily make women feel like second class citizens.

What does this word actually mean in this context? It literally means yield. To submit to someone means to voluntarily yield to them, to willingly defer to someone. We willingly submit …. all the time.

How many of us at our work place get to do what you want?

How many of us in a job interview tell your employer this is the way it is going to be if you want to hire me?

How many of us when you are at a restaurant act like complete fools? Or do you willingly submit to the unwritten etiquette of the restaurant.

But when it comes to willingly yielding yourself to another person …. Well ….. it’s just unheard of ….. it’s just not right …. Your taking away our freedom. Submission is a willingness to give yourself to another person in a selfless matter. You are not giving up any rights. No one loses their freedom. It is a willingness to become selfless. 

Look at what he says in vs 21,

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Selflessly give yourself to one another out of your deep devotion to follow Christ. The role of the husband according to this scripture is to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. Christ willingly gave his life for the church. We husbands are to die to ourselves for the well-being of the women we love.

When you have two people, with Christ in their hearts, submitting or yielding themselves to Jesus, the yielding to Jesus results in them turning to their spouse and yielding to them. 

• Yielding not because you have to but because you want to honor the other person.
• Yielding not because you have to but because you want to sacrifice for the other person.
• Yielding not because you have to but because you want to be selfless for the other person.

There’s an old joke that says when you get married, and the two become one, you then spend the rest of your lives fighting over who is the one. Is that not true? Many people try to mold and shape their partner into their image. It never works.

Liz Curtis Higgs was one of the best-known radio personalities in America. She used to tag team with Howard Stern. He was the morning show – she was the evening show. Comparing the two …. She was really the wild one. Her show was full of talking about sex and degrading men. She was so wild that Stern told her that she needed to clean up her act. If he is telling you to clean up your act then you know you have gone too far.

She had been burned by a lot of men and her heart had been broken. She became a militant feminist.

Guess what….. she had a Christian friend who kept inviting her to church, and one day, after a long, long time of inviting, she went. And that week, guess what the message was about? You got it ….. Ephesians 5 , “submit to your husbands.”

Not exactly the best topic for Liz. But she listened and then came the second part of the verse, “and husbands, sacrifice yourself; give yourself for your wives just as Jesus sacrificed himself for the church and died for her.” When she heard this, Liz leaned over to her friend and said with a laugh, “I’d gladly give myself to any man if I knew he would die for me.” And her friend leaned back and said, “Liz, there is a man who loved you enough to die for you. His name is Jesus. That’s how much he loves you.”

Not long after that, Liz gave her life to that man.

Young men, older men, and every age in between – have you willingly yielded yourself to that man?
Young women, older women, and every age in between – have you willingly yielded yourself to that man?

If you are (were)  a fan of the TV show, The Office,  you probably remember this little segment from the final season. Pam and Jim Halpert’s marriage is on the rocks. Jim, without Pam’s consent, started a sports company in another city, and then started splitting his time between his new company and Dunder Mifflin. Pam has been left to raise their two children on her own. Their communication breaks sown and they wonder if they are going to make it. Finally they begin marriage counseling, but its hanging by a thread. In this episode as Jim gets ready to leave again, it kind of comes to a head.

Watch this two-minute video here.

Something breaks through for them. Something much deeper, There is a willingness to submit.

Ephesians 5 kind of submission begins with two people yielding their lives to Christ.  It continues with two people yielding their lives voluntarily to the other.