For Better or Worse

Divorce is one of those sins that we don’t talk about much. It’s a painful subject because those who have went through it thought they never would. I can’t think of any couple who says “Boy, I can’t wait to get divorced”
right after they get married. I don’t think it is a goal for any couple – but it happens. It happens to Christians and non-Christians alike.

Christians seem to be on one side or the other. There are also those who are in between.

One side says divorce is a sin, pure and simple, no “ifs”, “and’s”, “but’s” or “or’s”. There are no exceptions, no waivers, no passes. It’s always wrong, and always to be condemned. If you are guilty of it you should never be in any type of leadership role or platform, you need to wear it on your chest like a scarlet letter for the rest of your life.

The other side says if there is any condemnation of divorce – any critique, any reservation, any moral line in the sand at all – it’s outrageous.

Thankfully (and this is the majority of Christ-followers), there are those in between who actually care about the people involved.

We are living in a mentality that seems to be dictated by our current culture that says,  “if you you want to get married, get married”, and “if you want to get divorced, get divorced.” It’s nobody’s business but your own. It’s only a legal contract – nothing more, nothing less – end of story. If two people want to end a relationship , its their deal. If one or more persons involved no longer find it enriching – get a divorce. If someone else comes along they feel they would could be happier with – get a divorce. If there are difficulties that seem tough to overcome – get a divorce. Divorce is much easier than becoming a self-less person who will love their spouse “for better or worse.” Besides …. It’s only a legal contract, it’s just a piece of paper …… and everyone one knows contracts are meant to be broken (please hear the sarcasm in my writing).

There are those in the middle – which is where  the majority of most Christ-followers fall.  They don’t want a fight either way. They are just hurting for those involved and they just hate to see the people they love hurt one another. Whether they have been through it themselves, or their parents have and they don’t want to see their friends dragged through it emotionally. They understand the pain and suffering. They hate it because they have been through it. There are guys like me who hate it because I see the damage it does to those involved.

We are living in a culture of divorce. A culture that tells us if you don’t like them, divorce them. If you don’t get along with them, divorce them.  No matter what side you are on – that’s not a good

couple getting divorced

thing. The National Center for Health Statistics reveals nothing less than pandemic. 33% of all new marriages will end in the first 10 years. 43% will end within 15 years. There is also a new trend developing. Those who have been married 25+ years are beginning to end their marriages at an increasing rate.

So much for keeping the vow of loving them, “for better or worse.”

How bad is it?

An article in the Washington Post said that we should simply avoid talking about wedlock and simple have wed-leases. This article wasn’t meant as a joke. Two people would commit themselves for one year, maybe five years – whatever suits them. They could renew it at the end of a lease, or just walk away with no strings attached. The article went on to argue, “instead of the messiness of divorce, you would simply end it like you would return a car at the end of a lease or vacating a rental unit.”

If I could write this person who wrote this in the Washington Post – I would tell him/her that it is already happening – it’s called living together. In living together, each person is “renting out their heart” to another with no promise of a commitment in return.

No matter if you have wed-lock or wed-lease/living together ….. the problem is there is still going to be enormous pain. If kids are involved the pain is increasingly worse for them. The effects on the people involved in the divorce are emotional, psychological, and spiritual.

This is why God said to Malachi, “I hate divorce”.

Malachi 2:16

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

I hate divorce to. I hate what it does to the kids that are involved. I hate what it does to the man and woman who are involved. I hate the amount of pain that people have to go through. I hate the mess it creates in our society.

Don’t you hate that as well?

I don’t hate the people who get divorced. I hate what it does to people when they get divorced. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Sometimes there are differences that can’t be reconciled. Sometimes there are issues that can’t be resolved. Sometimes both people are so stubborn and bull-headed – it just won’t work.

It’s my goal when I do marriage counseling to talk the couple out of getting married. I make a point to ask each couple – “do you still want to get married?” I have only succeeded once in my 25+ years of ministry. I asked this particular couple, “do you still want to get married?” The groom answered, “of course we do.” The bride responded, “No I don’t”. She saved them both a lot of  heart ache and future pain by answering the question honestly.  There are three other weddings that I have done where they shouldn’t have gotten married – I did my best to talk them out of it but they had that look in their eye that told me there was no way I was  going to talk them out of it. All of three them ended in divorce. Two of the divorces involved kids.

Yes …. I really do hate divorce but I don’t hate the divorced.

Jesus also had something to say about it. He hated it too.

Look at what Jesus says about divorce in what is called the Sermon on the Mount. It is found in Matthew 5 starting with verse 31:

31 “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ 32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

Right after that in vs. 33-37, He gives the reminder about making outward commitments that you haven’t settled in your heart to keep,

“….. you have heard that it was said ….., ‘ do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’ But I tell you, do not swear at all ….. simply let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No ….’ ”

What does Jesus say about divorce?

Divorce is usually wrong.

There are two key words you need to focus on

• Usually
• Wrong

Let’s deal with the wrong part first….

What Jesus is condemning is the easy divorce mentality of His day. Jesus says, “I know you have heard that it was okay to divorce each other, but I’m telling you that when you do, you are going against God’s law.” He is warning us in Matthew 5 if there is remarriage following a divorce for petty reasons, you’re committing adultery, because in God’s eyes, it is a violation of the marriage covenant you entered into.

Remember what I said a couple of blog entries ago?  “God instituted marriage as a permanent union between a man a woman. From the beginning of time, God intended men and women who entered into marriage to make it a life-long commitment.” The Bible’s language communicates the two become “one”, or, as the literally Greek translation says, they are “glued together.”

The reason why I try to talk couples out getting married is because they are making a sacred vow. There is something that mysteriously happens after a couple says, “I do”.  An acquaintance of mine who is a licensed family therapist told me that 80% of the people who get married after living together end in divorce. There is something mysterious about saying “I Do” and putting a ring on that person’s finger. This is why Jesus emphasizes let your “yes” be “yes” …. Make the commitment then and there to love them “for better or worse”.  A couple is making a covenant with one another.  Jesus is emphasizing when you say “yes” or “I do” to someone don’t just rent your heart to them. Selflessly give your heart to them.

Jesus also teaches us that divorce can occasionally be right.

If the other person keeps crushing your heart – time and time again ….. abandons you or ….. abuses you emotionally, physically, psychologically …. This is not part of God’s plan for your life. Get out!
If they are hurting you or your children …. this is not part of God’s plan …..  Get out.
If they are being unfaithful to you …. this is not part of God’s plan …. Get out.
If they are doing things that are illegal and harmful to you family…… this is not part of God’s plan ….. Get out.

On the flip side of this, we are not talking about situations where you don’t want to stay with them but you could. Situations where it’s uncomfortable or unpleasant to stay with them … but you really could stay.

Like the wife who came to columnist and minister Dr. George Crane who was full of hatred towards her husband. She told him, “I do not only want to get rid of him, I want to get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me.”

Dr. Crane suggested an ingenious plan “Go home and act as if you really love your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him. After you’ve convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bomb. Tell him that you’re getting a divorce. That will really hurt him.” With revenge in her eyes, she smiled and exclaimed, “Beautiful, beautiful. Will he ever be surprised!” And she did it with enthusiasm. Acting “as if.” For two months she showed love, kindness, listening, giving, reinforcing, sharing. When she didn’t return, Crane called. “Are you ready now to go through with the divorce?”  “Divorce?” she exclaimed. “Never! I discovered I really do love him.”

Divorce is never plan A.

Plan A is loving them through their faults with the same kind love that God shows us.

But, sometimes there are some marriages that just don’t work. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes, as we learned in the last blog entry through Carolyn’s story , marriages fail. Even Christian marriages. We don’t plan for them to fail …. they  just do.

This doesn’t mean you have messed up for eternity.

What many people forget is this is about people’s lives. Their hearts. Their brokenness. God wants to restore us when we fail. God is a God of second chances. This is what he did with the woman at the well who had five failed marriages and was in her sixth marriage. She met Jesus …. her life was changed …. Greek orthodox history tells she went on to be a martyr for the Christian faith. God still does that! Divorce is not the worst sin the end of the world …. You can be forgiven and you can start anew. It’s not the unforgivable sin.

So the questions that naturally comes to my mind is can you get remarried after you messed up the first time? Listen to this 11 minute interview of two Christ-followers named Mike and Amy. They tell a beautiful story of how God forgives and restores.

God really does hate divorce. He doesn’t hate the divorced. Divorce is not part of his plan for any married couple.  The fact is, other than in some special circumstances, divorce is the fault of both people involved. Both sides need to confess their faults.

If we come to him like the woman at the well, if we come to him like Zacchaeus did, they both were broken …. God did some incredible things through their brokenness. Like these two, God loves us so much he wants to redeem and restore us each time we “miss the mark” (sin).

God’s redeeming and restoring starts with forgiveness. Forgiving the other person. Forgiving ourselves.

If you have been through a divorce, God wants us to honest about our faults. Not honest about our ex – spouse’s faults. Those can be rattled off pretty quick. Being honest about where we failed is where real holiness begins. Actually, this is when the Holy Spirit can do some really miraculous things in us and the other person. We need admit where we have fallen short. We need to admit we have failed.  Ask for forgiveness and let yourself be forgiven.  He is a God of second chances. He wants to give us a second chance but we first must admit we messed up with our first chance.

God instituted marriage as a permanent union between a man and woman. If you get married you are “glued together” by God by saying the simple words “I Do” and sharing a token of your love which is usually a ring.

In turn, God gets that marriages can come unglued. That doesn’t mean He’s is okay with it. Malachi quotes him saying he actually hates it when we get unglued. We need to ask for forgiveness. We messed up. We need to humble ourselves and admit it.

If you are going through a bad marriage, have been severely hurt by someone,  being currently hurt by someone,  or  you are have trouble being married to the person you are married to …..

There is hope ….

Keep in mind that every marriage goes through a difficult season. Don’t give up on it because it gets difficult. In those difficult season(s), you don’t want to divorce but the alternative is for things  to keep going the way they are and you don’t feel like you can keep going on. Don’t expect your spouse to change. I encourage YOU to change. I encourage you to do the things as if you loved them (like the woman I shared about early). I encourage you to serve them and let God change  your heart. I encourage you to pray for yourself and for your spouse.

This three-minute scene from the movie, The War Room, gives a great visual of what I am talking about.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage but there is such a thing as two imperfect people who are perfect for each other. Marriages just don’t last because two imperfect people say they are in love and it’s a naturally great relationship. They last because two imperfect people make specific, concrete choices that are fleshed out in specific acts of the will. They last because two imperfect people understand that marriage is more than just a legal document. They last because two imperfect people  are willing to selflessly love the other. You might be afraid of selflessly loving someone for the rest of your life but I encourage you not to “rent your heart out” to anybody. This is a very dangerous thing to do. Sometimes it ends well but most of the time it does not.

God knows that not all marriages will stay “glued together” but divorce is never “Plan A”. But when “Plan A” fails, He offers us a second chance but we must be willing to admit we messed up the first one to get the second one.